This post is in Chinese, reflecting on love, compatibility, and life choices.
最近读到一本书里的案例，讲的是一个人陷入了两难：他和伴侣相处得很开心，但对方没有稳定工作、和家人同住、把钱都花在娱乐上。他的朋友和家人都劝他分手，说这段关系”没有未来”。
书里把这个定义为”对永远的恐惧”，建议他专注于当下的感受，不要被假设困住。
但我读完的第一反应是：这哪里是对永远的恐惧？这明明是一个非常现实的困境——当下的快乐和未来的稳定，到底该怎么选？
人的本性真的会变吗？
我一直相信，人的核心模式是很难改变的。
价值观、对生活的态度、对责任的理解——这些东西可能会因为某个阶段、某件事暂时调整，但压力一过，往往就会回到原点。
八字里讲流年大运，说的就是这个道理。一个人走到好运的时候，可能会表现得积极进取、做事顺遂，看起来像是”变了一个人”。但这不是他的本质改变了，而是外在环境在推着他往前走。等大运一过，或者遇到挫折流年，那个底色就会显现出来——他究竟是个什么样的人，能不能扛事，看的是本命盘，不是一时的运势。
人也是一样。有人可能因为恋爱的新鲜感、某个契机、或者外在压力，暂时表现出和平时不同的状态。但长期来看，那个核心的模式很难真正改变。
所以这个案例里，即使那个伴侣现在说”我会改变”，也很难说她真的能长期维持一种和她本性不符的生活方式。不是说她不好，只是——你爱的那个人，可能本来就不是一个会为未来焦虑、会计划存钱的人。
你要的是她变成另一个人，还是接受她本来的样子？
选择，就是承认代价
**没有哪条路是完全对的。**你选了当下的热情，未来可能会为缺钱焦虑；你选了稳定的未来，可能会在某个深夜问自己”我到底在为什么活”。
重点不是选哪个，而是你清不清楚自己能承受什么代价。
我们常常会为了某些东西放弃稳定——可能是一份让人有热情的工作，可能是一段不被看好的关系，可能是一个冒险的决定。这些选择都有代价：经济上的不确定、别人眼里的”不够理智”、甚至生活里因为价值观不同产生的裂痕。
但如果你真的了解自己需要什么，那这些代价就是你愿意付出的。
真正的问题：你了解自己吗？
回到那个案例。
我觉得那个人真正的困扰不是”她会不会变”，而是他自己到底是谁。
- 他是一个本质上需要秩序和安全感的人吗？如果是，那即使现在很开心，长期的不稳定也会像慢性毒药一样消耗他，最后关系还是会走向崩溃。
- 还是说，他其实能接受”赚多少花多少”的生活？只是周围人的声音让他开始怀疑自己的选择？
如果是前者，那现在的快乐可能只是一时的；如果是后者，那他需要的不是换伴侣，而是坚定自己的选择，承担相应的后果。
最可怕的不是选错，而是选的时候欺骗自己。
告诉自己”我可以接受”，但其实心里一直在等对方变成另一个人。或者告诉自己”我该选稳定的”，但内心深处根本不在乎那些。
这样无论选哪条路，最后都会后悔，都会怪罪对方或环境，因为从一开始就没有真正承认**”这是我的选择，这是我愿意付出的代价”**。
学习承认
喜欢的不一定是合适的，但合适的也不一定让你快乐。
生活不会给你一个”正确答案”。它只会在每个路口问你：你是谁？你要什么？你愿意为此付出什么？
而最重要的是——你能不能诚实地回答这些问题？
也许那个纠结的人，和书里给的建议，都没有错。
感受当下是对的，考虑未来也是对的。
真正的问题是：你了解那个要做选择的自己吗？
当你真正了解自己能承受什么、需要什么、在乎什么，那么无论选哪条路，至少你是清醒地选的。
到那时，就算后悔，也能坦然接受——因为那是你的选择，是你愿意付出的代价。
而不是到最后，才发现自己一直在和一个幻影生活。
也许生活最难的不是做选择，而是学会承认：这就是我。
I recently came across a case in a book about someone caught in a dilemma: he was happy with his partner, but she had no stable job, lived with her family, and spent all her money on entertainment. His friends and family urged him to break up, saying the relationship had “no future.”
The book framed this as “fear of forever,” suggesting he focus on present feelings rather than be trapped by assumptions.
But my first reaction was: this isn’t about fear of forever. This is a very real dilemma—how do you choose between present happiness and future stability?
Can People’s Nature Really Change?
I’ve always believed that people’s core patterns are hard to change.
Values, attitudes toward life, understanding of responsibility—these might temporarily adjust due to a particular phase or event, but once the pressure passes, they often return to default.
In Bazi (Chinese astrology), we talk about favorable years and luck cycles. When someone enters a favorable period, they might appear ambitious and successful, seeming like “a different person.” But this isn’t a fundamental change in their nature—it’s external circumstances pushing them forward. Once the favorable cycle passes, or when challenging years arrive, their true nature shows—who they really are, whether they can handle difficulties, that’s determined by their natal chart, not temporary luck.
People are the same. Someone might temporarily act differently from usual due to the excitement of new love, a particular opportunity, or external pressure. But long-term, that core pattern rarely truly changes.
So in this case, even if the partner says “I’ll change,” it’s hard to say she can sustain a lifestyle that contradicts her nature. It’s not that she’s bad—it’s just that the person you love might fundamentally not be someone who worries about the future or plans to save money.
Do you want her to become someone else, or accept who she truly is?
Choice Means Acknowledging the Cost
No path is completely right. If you choose present passion, you might struggle financially in the future; if you choose stable security, you might find yourself asking at 2am, “what am I even living for?”
The key isn’t which to choose, but whether you clearly understand what cost you can bear.
We often give up stability for something—maybe a job that ignites passion, maybe a relationship others don’t approve of, maybe a risky decision. These choices all have costs: financial uncertainty, being seen as “not rational enough,” even rifts in life due to different values.
But if you truly understand what you need, then these costs are what you’re willing to pay.
The Real Question: Do You Know Yourself?
Back to the case.
I think his real struggle isn’t “will she change,” but who is he, really?
- Is he fundamentally someone who needs order and security? If so, then even if he’s happy now, long-term instability will erode him like slow poison, and eventually the relationship will still collapse.
- Or can he actually accept a “spend what you earn” lifestyle? Is it just other people’s voices making him doubt his own choice?
If it’s the former, present happiness might be temporary; if it’s the latter, what he needs isn’t a different partner, but to stand firm in his choice and bear the consequences.
What’s most frightening isn’t choosing wrong—it’s deceiving yourself when you choose.
Telling yourself “I can accept this” while secretly waiting for the other person to become someone else. Or telling yourself “I should choose stability” when deep down you don’t care about those things at all.
Either way, you’ll end up regretting it, blaming the other person or circumstances, because from the start you never truly acknowledged: “This is my choice, this is the price I’m willing to pay.”
Learning to Acknowledge
What you like isn’t necessarily what’s suitable, but what’s suitable doesn’t necessarily make you happy.
Life won’t give you a “correct answer.” It only asks at each crossroads: Who are you? What do you want? What are you willing to give up for it?
And most importantly—can you answer these questions honestly?
Maybe the person struggling and the book’s advice are both right.
Feeling the present is right. Considering the future is right.
The real question is: Do you understand the person making the choice—yourself?
When you truly understand what you can bear, what you need, what you care about, then whichever path you choose, at least you’re choosing consciously.
And then, even if you regret it, you can accept it calmly—because it was your choice, the price you were willing to pay.
Rather than discovering in the end that you’ve been living with a phantom all along.
Perhaps the hardest part of life isn’t making choices, but learning to acknowledge: this is who I am.
About Katie
Award-winning wedding & family photographer based in Seattle
Single mom to two incredible girls
Light chaser — always looking for that perfect golden hour
Disney enthusiast + travel addict
Maker at heart — I sew, I craft, I create
Spicy food lover — the hotter, the better
My philosophy: Photos for feeling before forgetting
I photograph weddings, families, and individual stories—especially the unscripted moments that matter most. If you’re looking for a photographer who captures real emotion, let’s connect.
